an extract [of my memoir]

crossroads forgotten

They say you meet people because you’re destined to, wherever your roads may meet to cross; crossroads. But then it must be destined too, that those roads leave eachother at some point; crossroads are left behind.

He sat down next to her on the train. She slid closer to the window and stared out the barren, graffiti-torn windows into the passing light absorbed throughout the darkness.
“How have you been?” He looked at her expectantly, his hands sitting awkwardly on his thighs. There was something in his eyes that she could not face, or more would not. She did not feel that he deserved it, but knew that one deserving to be what he should deserve is not how the world works.
“I’m fine,” she responded with the lightly of love.
“You don’t sound it,” he whispered.
“I’ve never been better.”
There was silence. She plaited her long hair repeatedly while he drummed his long fingers against his legs, looking at everyone on the train but not really seeing them. His palms sweaty and he tried to dry them off briskly on his pant, but nothing was enough to keep the sweat away.
“This train is pretty hot,” he said, another attempt at casual conversation.
“It’s simply because you’re wearing part of a suit. It’s actually quite chilly.” She kept her gaze out the windows, merely avoiding his eyes for all her worth.
“I could say the same for you, only that it’s chilly because you’re in a skirt.”
She whipped around and glared at him, her bright eyes glassy and hateful. There were bitter lines etched by her mouth, set in what seemed to be a permanent frown. He wondered how long it had been that way; the witness of ones beauty seems to leave in the most desperate and complicated of scenarios.
“You’re not fine,” he whispered.
“No,” she hissed. “I’m not. I was fine until about half a year ago.”
They looked at each other through a wall of tension so strong that it was a wonder they could see each other at all. For a moment he felt himself wanting to reach out to see if that wall was reality. She kept her eyes fixed on him, her frown in place. It looked strange set against her blond hair plaited loosely on her collar bone. Her lovely faced had taken on an almost foreign-lie quality and to a degree he blamed her for destroying her beauty. But he also blamed himself because he knew he was the reason for the destruction; something so hard to realise and except; a person’s hurt in one hand.
“What can I do to-”
“Nothing. There is nothing you can do. There is something someone can do for me in the future though.” Her fists gripped her floral skirt, wrinkling the material so that the flowers looked crushed against her legs; an anger in every crease and fold.He felt himself feel the feeling of desperation, a need to explain, a need to be lost, when he saw her white knuckles.
“And what is that?” He held his breath. He could feel it coming just like he could feel the cold rock forming in his gut. His throat was already on fire as he held back tears. This was not how he’d planned this train ride.
“They can leave you like you left me. They can yank you around on that short chain even after you’ve officially left until your neck is just as raw as mine was. They can mess with your head until you don’t even know what you want anymore. They can take your feelings and create the most elaborately woven tapestry you’ve ever seen and light it on fire and let it burn slowly and painfully at some times and speed up the process at others. They can leave you like you left me, confused, hung up, and caged in by your own deep unrequited feelings.”
Her chest heaved as she leaned back against the cold window, tears streaming down her soft face. The eyes weren’t so much hateful any more than exhausted. The frown had softened but he could still trace those deep lines with his glassy eyes. He reached out his hand towards her face but she flinched and pushed it away; it seemed every hate had led to that action.
“I don’t want you anymore like you never wanted me. So don’t touch me.” The hateful eyes were slowly surfacing back.
“No, that’s not how it ever was. Please, please don’t think that, Jayd, please.” He tried to touch her face again. She knocked it away again.
“I hate you for everything you are,” she cried.
“I know you do,” he whispered; the loudest he could say, a quality of self hate and the lump of hatred for himself preventing him from putting any other emotion into the answer.
There was silence once more. Neither moved but both cried quietly in their own way. Her makeup began to run down her face.
“Jayd, you’re a mess, with me,” he muttered with a small smile, reaching out once more. This time she remained still and he was able to rub the makeup off with his thumb. “It smeared a little bit.”
“It’s fine, just forget about it,” she said, rubbing at her cheeks with the back of her small hand. “I’ll just wash my face when we get there.”
Something caught his eye and his heart sank.
“What’s that?” His tone was urgent.
“What’s what?”
“Don’t ‘What’s what’ me. What is that on your finger?” He stared at her left hand.
“You know what that is,” she said coldly.
They were quiet once more, she looking down at her lap and he looking at the back of the person’s head before him. There was something growing inside of him that he just couldn’t seem to understand. It wasn’t anything he’d planned at all. In fact, everything he’d thought he knew, he had thought out so well, was proving untrue and failing before his eyes. It all rested on that tiny stone on her left hand. The pearl he had in his coat pocket at that very moment, realizing that it would never have a finger of its own.
He was too late.
“Do you love him?”
She gently wiped away a tear and smiled.
“Yes, I do.”
“What about me? Do you love me?”
She was quiet again as she smoothed out her skirt.
“Please don’t do this.”
“What makes him so different from me?”
“He loves me differently.”
He opened his mouth, thought better of it and closed it again. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed and looked at her again, ready to speak and decided not to.
“I’m sorry.” She turned to look out the window, her face hesitated as held back a sob.
“What makes him so different, Jayd, huh? Why him? Why didn’t you wait for me?” He leaned in closer to her. “Jayd, why didn’t you wait for me?”
She turned to him and her gaze was like ice.
“I waited for you the entire time we were together. Not once did you even hint that it was worthwhile. Do you want to know how he loves me so differently?”
“Yes, Jayd, I do.”
“Love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast-“
“Don’t give me that, dammit!” He leaned back against his seat and closed his eyes.
“He loves me as I love him. You never did.”
They could feel the train begin to slow down.
“What’s he look like, Jayd? Is he tall and geeky and youthful? Or is he dark and dashing?” There was an undertone of extreme resentment beginning to surface in his voice.
She pulled out her wallet and then a rather crisp photo, which she handed to him. He held it carefully, his heart sinking even further. He looked a great deal like himself, healthy, handsome, and smiling like a child, his arm around her waist proudly. She wore the biggest, brightest smile, the kind he’d seen a few times while they’d been together. He’d loved that smile. It had been like a challenge to get her to smile like that for him and when he did, he always felt as if he had accomplished something greater than anything else that day. Now he was looking at how she was smiling with this man he could only know as her fiancé for a simple photograph. What had he done?
“He looks great, Jayd, absolutely stunning. I hope you two have a great life together.” He stood up.
“Where are you going?” she said timidly.
“Home, I’m heading home after this train stops.”
“Don’t you have somewhere you need to be though?” She looked at him expectantly.
“No, I don’t. I came on this train ride for you. Now I have no reason to even be in this seat. Have a nice life, Jayd.”
 
She turned towards the window once more as he walked down the aisle through cabin after cabin before he finally stopped at the vast doors, that would end their paths forever. He stared outside, through his eyes, with every emotion mixed in his pupils as he saw the lights slowing down to a slow patch of white melancholic strobes. Life was slowing down, coming to a half, a dead end. Alas the train came to a halt, with the doors sliding open to allow for those to enter the journey of life, and those to leave. He strided outside, trying to breathe in the scent of fresh air, the air of life. He smelt nothing but tears, love, hatred, jealousy and what he would feel for the months to come. He stepped outside into the brisk cold air, and started walking, walking somewhere, nowhere, but somewhere, anywhere, where this pain of emotion might just subside for the slightest moment. He walked, and the train tooted. He walked, and the train started puffing. He walked and the train started chugging. He slid his hand into his right picket and pulled a little black box, shining beneath the full moon, throwing it under the tracks; as the train passed, a small echo of the love being crushed, the love he had once knew, and would never know again. The train journeyed on into the darkness, him being able to catch a slight glimpse of the shadow of his one and only reason to live; the saddest memory he would carry, a burden and regret he would carry, an emotion he would never be able to move away from; the love had left forever.

 
They never saw each other again; the thought of that still haunts me to this day.
They were pretty much, perfect, for each other.
She was everything he wasn’t and he was everything she wasn’t.
I remember in every class, the jokes we would make. They were highschool sweethearts indeed, laced in each others arms.
We were enthralled when they started dating.
We were ecstatic when they proposed.
We were nostalgic when they married.
And here we are, everything not mattering.It makes me wonder, where I would go from here, and whether I would feel the pain that he ever felt, god forbid I deserve it.

every step, falter and sign.

ever tell yourself this is the last time;
the last time you’ll do this;
the last time you’ll have another one;
the last day you’ll be that person;
the last time you’ll be seen like that;
the last time you’ll do it this way;
the last time you’ll lie like that;
the last time you’ll tell that thing;
the last time you’ll think like that;
the last moment you’ll feel like that;
the last time you won’t tell;
the last time for the last time.

And you promise yourself it will indeed be the last time,
and you keep promising yourself.

You tell yourself, after this time;
i’ll do it;
i’ll say it;
i’ll make it;
i’ll give my soul to it;
i’ll pour my heart and passion out;
I’ll wake up;
i’ll take the step;
i’ll lose no tears;
i’ll win the battle i’ve set.

And each time you fail and you falter;
and it hurts but you keep on going;
because you’re determined to do it;
you will do it;
because you’ve got to do it.

There is no choice. Forward or nothing.

But how many times can you try;
how many times can you tell yourself next time it’ll be the moment you’ve been wanting;
how do you know that the next try won’t be tears and tests, sleep and the end.
 

And this time comes around,

and you know, you feel, you hope that it’ll be the one.
You saw the signs,
you felt everything was different,
it hurt more, it lasted longer, so it must be it;
you take it all as a sign,
you take it all as the moment everything will turn around,
and you hold onto this,
because you feel it;
but what lies on the other side,
whether it is to be it, or not to be it;
that’s another lifeline in its own. 

a step at a time.

Ever asked yourself why nothing’s happening.
Why you’re not getting better at it.
Why you’re not moving forward.
Why you’re not moving any closer.
Why you’re not discovering the answers any faster.
Why you can’t control your own karma and destiny set.

Because you haven’t taken a step.
Take that step and see the wonders that everything and everyone has to offer;
because they’ll take your breath away.

to exist for a smile.

We are all here, with everything and nothing.
We all have a perfect image of our life.
We all have things that get us out of bed and keep us going.
We all have reasons to smile, even if it is only to show.
We all have nights where we feel everything is possible.
We all have those sole moments where we feel overwhelmed by life.
We all have those thoughts where we feel crushed by the world.
We all have the need to be touched, held and hugged; to know there is warmth in the world.
We all have moments which we feel are the best; where we can say we smile for a smile.
We all have loss of those things we want.
We all have success of those things we imagine and feel for reality.
We all feel what it is to live, when we can live the life we live.

And everything we want, we desire, we work towards, we google, we plough though, we find in other people, we get jealous by, we would do anything for, we need to live for the next day; it’s there, and it exists. It just needs us.

Us. We. You. Me. I.

The one letter word that stops all the brightest from being bright, the sexiest from being the sexiest, the most wonderful from being wonderful, the happy from being happy, the lovely from being loved. the you from smiling for you.

And we go on, and we live this life; and we hope and we imagine.
We try to jump over every hurdle, we try and win every battle, and we try and smile for a reason;

only to feel overwhelmed by everything 
to feel like a failure;
to feel burdened to live;
to feel like nothing will change and nothing can:
to feel as if nothing will ever be achieved;
to feel as what you see in the mirror now, is what you will see for the rest of your life;
to feel that every reason to hope, dream and imagine will remain a hope, dream and imagination;
to feel as if you will never smile being you are truly content.

And whatever you need to smile for;

whether it be to get over your lover;
whether it to be get over yourself;
whether it to be the person you want to be;
whether it be to fit that dress next summer;
whether it be to get that grade:
whether it to drive the demon of years out of your heard:
whether it to say fuck you and fuck off to that person and move on:
whether it is to take what has haunted you every bloody day of your life and to burn it to smithereens:
whether it is to wake up for a reason;
whether it is to smile not for the facade but for the reality;
whether it is not to cry when the lights of the night turn off:
whether it is to do what you can in the situation you have and come out successful:
whether it is to face your family, friend or foe:
whether it is take yourself by the collar, slap yourself and tell yourself that everything will be alright:
whether it is to look at the beauty of the world and appreciate life;
whether it is to say I’m better than you to your current lover and move on:
whether it is to move out of the house and live the life you deserve:
whether it is to tell your best friend that you like her;
whether it is to put your head down just this once to get that grade just this once:
whether it is to face up to your friend and tell him that you like that boy, not that girl;
whether it is to turn on the reality in your mind and jump that hurdle of shock;
whether it is to see what is wrong and make it a right;
whether it is to say please & thankyou;
whether it is to yes and no because of you and not others:
whether it is to say sorry and ask for forgiveness;
whether it is to face to face;
whether it is to stand up for you the fuck you are, because you’re definitely not a waste of space;
whether it is to stand up for what you have down there or up there:
whether it is the last day you want to live and make it one more:
whether it is to keep breathing the oxygen;
whether it is to use that knife that you were going to use on you, to use on what made you want to do it in the first place:
whether it be whatever and everything:

Stop running away from it;
stop hurting yourself for not doing it earlier:
stop wishing you were born as someone else;
stop hoping that it will just happen;
stop imagining that next time you’ll just get it;
stop, stopping yourself to do it;
stop everything in your way and take it over;
stop and look left and right and walk it;
stop saying it can’t happen;
stop saying you don’t deserve it;
stop wishing you were him or her;
stop just living with it:
stop hiding it;
stop crying, mourning and being saddened by it because you deserve more than it and everything else; 
stop doesn’t exist when you get going, because you’re already going. And when your finally moving, law states that you’ll keep on moving, 

just do it. for god. for allah. for friends. for family. for love. for that girl. for that boy. for that old man. for that person you see gripping on everyday. for that person you see in the streets. for that person you stalk on facebook. for yourself. for the beauty of the world. for the happiness. for the confidence. for the smile. for the strories. for your children. for the wise grandparent you’ll become one day. for I.

And unless you don’t take it;
take the challenge:
pick the pen up;
put your heart and soul into doing it;
dedicate yourself to it;
know you can do it;
know that the tunnel on the other side is a more happy and sunny place;
wake up and take a step for it;
spread the word and tell the world about it:
do it for yourself;
do it for you;
please, for the love of love and god, do it;
but make sure you do everything that you have in your power, in your blood, in your soul, in your heart, in every cell, every smile and moment, every song and every experience, every sadness and happiness, every up and down, and every part that makes you, you; to do it and get there.

Because I am not wise enough to tell you anything or everything; nor am I experienced enough and nor am I the almighty, but I pray that I can tell you that it will be worth it.
Because it must be worth it in the end. Even if it for just that one smile; or the smile that will show the world who you are and will last a lifetime.

Because if there’s something that this life we’ve been given is worth it for, 
one thing must be to want something and to want it so bad that if we get to it; we mustn’t have wasted anything; at least one reason for one life.
And you’ll deserve everything you did it for and more. 

Just do it. 

the race of competition

why does it seem like that your competing against god;
life;
living:
breathing;
smiling.

Always in a competition to win at something:
to get better grades than before;
to be more popular than that person over there;
to make him or her like and love you, or just gaze a glimpse at you;
to win at a game, whether of life or of the dice rolling king:
to impress your boss so you get the promotion you so importantly need:
to stalk out that girl because you want to be with her:
to smile on the outside because the world can’t see your weakness:
to gasp for air in the most difficult situation which you can’t control:
to control those tears because you have no control over anything else no more.

Why can’t we just be us;
Why must out lives be absolute wrecks, every cell in our bodies on the breakdown;
Why are we shaken, chosen to make decisions and need to fight for things so that we’re shaken and grasping for air.
We’re left hopeless while we try satisfy all the god’s of success and competition,
   only to impress ourselves, them, her, him, parents, family, teachers, colleagues.
   or to show off
   or to flaunt
   or just for the sake of it.

But it’s just how it keeps But it’s just how ion going. And soon you’ll be competing with yourself because you no longer know where your at, what your at, and who’s that looking at yourself in the mirror.

now&now.

Hidden under the bedsheets, 
In my little cocoon of warmth 
Escaping the freezing cold of the night. 
Something is not quite right. 
I cannot get comfortable within my surroundings. 
The eerie feeling of being watched, 
Not by a person or a spirit, 
Rather Loneliness itself. 
I would give anything for the touch of a familiar hand, 
An embrace from somebody that knows me. 
Yet nobody really knows the unfamiliar void that I am trapped in. 
Wide awake, I feel that I am sleep walking through reality, 
Everything is covered in a veil of discomfort. 
I close my eyes and can feel the stare of Loneliness. 
It is impossible to wake up, as I am not asleep, 
Falling asleep is tough too, for I am not awake. 
Instead, I have been possessed by the void. 
I try to drown the void with alcohol, 
Or give my body to a stranger, so that warm blood can possess me, 
Rather than the icy cold of loneliness. 
I just want to be alone, 

Not lonely. Someone understand my lust for warmth. I’ll look at you all and the love you give me all. But when I’m alone the love settles for the darkness. And I see nothing. I want to see. Help me see through the darkness I’ve created for myself. It scares me because each way I look I see it. And what scares me more. Is there will never be no light. Because I’ve been finding it for far to long. I would tell you my darkness. Lay out you hand and touch me. Touch me and tell me you’ll listen. Then light will come. And we will walk. I will feel the warmth melt my ice. And life will be love and love will be life. But for now.I will sleep. Under my blanket. In the darkness.

In the abyss of myself and ice.